Thursday, January 2, 2014

Sexual Assault Doesn't Apply To Me


*Trigger warning--this post may evoke emotional reactions. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself while reading, and see the bottom of the post for support resources.*

A prevalent issue at DU, just like many campuses around the United States and much like our society in general, is the belief that the issues of sexual assault and domestic violence do not apply to or affect a majority of people. I have learned over several years of working in this field and many years of loving people who are directly and indirectly affected by domestic violence and sexual assault, that sexual assault and domestic violence are silenced, denied, and tolerated epidemics. These negative responses and minimization of painful experiences fuel feelings of secrecy, shame, and isolation around these extremely prevalent problems. Countless victims of violence feel like they are the only ones who have ever experienced sexual assault or domestic violence. This belief increases feelings of isolation, self blame, and low self worth. Thoughts like, "This is my fault. I did something to allow this to happen. There must be something wrong with me. This doesn't happen to other people. No one understands" run rampant in our heads. If we can make ourselves believe what happened is/was our fault or that we had some level of responsibility in it, then we can feel like we have some level of control over our safety again. 

Society reinforces this with its victim-blaming statements and questions: What were you wearing? How much did you have to drink? Why were you alone with him/her? You didn't fight back? You were flirting with him/her, what did you expect? You shouldn't have been there. Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you go home with him/her? Why didn't you just leave? All of these questions fuel shame which further propels secrecy and, therefore, reinforces the lack of conversation and acknowledgement of the presence of interpersonal violence in our society, repeatedly perpetuating the problem of interpersonal violence. And let's be real, none of those things talked about in the questions and statements above cause interpersonal violence; the only difference is who you are in the presence of. I could walk down the street naked and completely intoxicated, flirting with every person I pass, and the only way I will be assaulted is if I am in the presence of a rapist. 

That's it; that's the difference. 

A majority of people would not assault me. And even if I was naked, intoxicated, and flirting, I still am not asking to be raped. Flirting, alcohol, and clothing choice do not indicate my desire to have sex. I will let you know if I am interested.  

For those of you out there who may feel like you are the only ones who have been victimized or who are struggling, I promise you are not alone. I know that doesn't take away what happened to you, and I know each of our experiences are different, but sometimes knowing that other people understand can make us feel a little less isolated, secretive, and shameful. There is nothing wrong with you, and there isn't anything that could make you deserve what happened to you. People want to support you, and you deserve to have that support. You shouldn't have to hold onto this secret; it's a very heavy weight to carry alone. Please see the bottom of this post for resources that can provide you with the support you deserve, lift some of that weight off of your shoulders, and help you navigate through some of these confusing feelings and thoughts. 

The unfortunate truth is sexual assault and domestic violence affect many people. Statistically, at least 1 in 4 of our undergraduate women will be sexually assaulted through rape or attempted rape before they graduate with their undergraduate degree; 1 in 3 of our women are projected to be victimized by relationship violence over their lifetimes; 1 in 6 of our men will have been sexually assaulted by the time they begin their college careers. 

This issue is an epidemic; there is no way around that, but our society has been trained to not talk about or acknowledge the problem. Even when the issue is talked about, the discussion is mostly focused on victims (usually through victim blaming responses and victim-focused support resources). There seems to be a belief that sexual assault and domestic violence is a "woman's problem" and therefore doesn't apply to, involve, or affect men. 

Just as one example, while I was staffing an informational table for the Center for Advocacy, Prevention, and Empowerment (which is DU's campus support resource and prevention/education office for all interpersonal violence) at freshmen orientation this fall, there were at least 15 parents (male and female) over two hours who made a comment to me along the lines of, "I have a son, so this (meaning sexual assault, relationship violence, stalking, and/or harassment) doesn't apply to our family." But I struggle with this rationale as men are often present when interpersonal violence occurs (as perpetrators and bystanders and sometimes as victims). And most (if not all) men will, at some point in their lives, love or care about someone who is victimized by sexual assault or relationship violence. Most men will also have an opportunity to intervene at some point in the prevention of the perpetration of a violent incident. And all men in the U.S. live in a society where violence is present. No matter how we look at it, all of us are affected by interpersonal violence, and most of us will have a personal connection to it at some point throughout our lives. 

Interpersonal violence prevention should not only be focused on the victim (who, yes, statistically is more likely to be a woman), as we need a societal response to help intervene before someone is subjected to being victimized. How is it helpful to focus on the person who did not choose to be victimized and seemingly had very little to no control over what happened? Victims do not choose to be assaulted, so focusing on what victims could do differently to prevent this from happening does not make sense. Victims and survivors aren't the issue.  

If the issues are the violence and the associated secrecy, how can we focus on putting a stop to the violence? What changes need to be made in our society? What would happen if we continued supporting our victims and survivors but switched our prevention efforts from what women can do to prevent being raped to what we all can do to intervene as a bystander, change violence-tolerating culture, demolish the shame, secrecy, isolation, and stigma survivors face, and hold perpetrators accountable? What if the "uncool thing to do" was being the person who was dragging the intoxicated individual up the stairs or taking her/him home with you with the intention of having sex with that person (instead of the "uncool thing to do" being the bystander saying something to the person that is taking advantage of an intoxicated individual because we should supposedly "mind our own business")? This is a societal issue and it is up to us to acknowledge the problem and change the focus of our prevention efforts.

So to apply this to my community of DU and to start to break the silence, I will be launching a campaign to humanize and personalize these issues, showing our campus community that even if you are not victimized yourself, there is an extremely high likelihood that you know someone who has been directly affected by violence. Over the next five months, I will be implementing an "I Love Someone Who..." campaign. We will be encouraging students, faculty, staff, and administrators to break the silence by talking about the issues of interpersonal violence through displaying pins and/or stickers saying "I love someone who has been sexually assaulted" and "I love someone who has experienced an abusive relationship." In addition to breaking the silence, this will make a powerful statement about the prevalence of sexual assault and relationship violence and will show our support to survivors in our community and in our personal lives, hopefully fostering less feelings of isolation, shame, and secrecy. 

This is the beginning of many conversations to come and hopefully much community culture change. 

I'll keep you updated! Best wishes to you in your work in your own communities, and take gentle care.

In solidarity,
Kristin 


Support Resources:


SAFE Helpline (24 hour support for sexual assault survivors): 877-995-5247
The National Domestic Violence Helpline (24 hour support for those affected by domestic violence): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
*Local resources are available by state. Check out sexual assault and domestic violence state coalitions for lists of agencies in your state that provide support for survivors, friends, and family members of those affected by interpersonal violence.*