Proactive Prevention of Sexual Violence Through Sex Education

Part of raising awareness and contributing to a future without violence is prevention and education. So many of us have been taught to think of prevention as teaching others what not to do, but if we only ever talk about what not to do, how is anyone supposed to know what to do? I've decide to challenge our traditional understanding of effective prevention.

In addition to bystander intervention talked about in the last post, education about consent, healthy relationships, and healthy sexuality are necessary as a part of preventing sexual violence. These conversations don't happen nearly enough. How many of you can say you learned about consent or healthy relationships in your sex education classes during elementary, middle, or high school? From my experience and countless conversations with friends, family members, classmates, colleagues, and clients, most of us simply learned the relatively vague biology of how sexual intercourse works, specifically heterosexual intercourse. There was a ton of emphasis on anatomy and little to no emphasis on emotion-related or relationship-focused aspects of sex. The need for communication within sexual intimacy was never addressed and no one ever heard of the word "consent." We were taught "how to do it" physically, but I have never met anyone whose school-based education has taught them about the emotional components of sexual intimacy, the importance of communication, or what a healthy relationship actually looks like. (If you have had the experience of being taught about aspects of sex outside the physical understanding, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you as I would be very interested in what you learned and where you learned it to be able to garner additional resources for other schools).

In my 7th grade health education middle school class in the tiny, moderately conservative town of Freedom, Wisconsin, we talked about sex over a few classes. We discussed anatomy, the teacher passed around a bag of tampons and condoms (yes, together in the same bag), and then we spent a majority of the rest of the quarter doing research and creating a report on how much money it would cost to give birth to and raise a baby (which I'm pretty confident was my school's attempt at promoting abstinence through fear-based tactics). There was very little time for questions, and, honestly, even if there was, none of us really knew what to ask nor would we have been comfortable asking questions we may have had without feeling like we would be asking a "stupid question." We were "cool" middle school kids who thought we were supposed to know all of this already; if we had a question, we must not be experienced enough. Over the years, we had internalized the message that not being sexually experienced made us uncool in some way. I knew a majority of my fellow classmates had never engaged in most sexual acts (no matter what sexual acts the boys in my class falsely boasted about whenever the teacher walked out of the room), yet we all were fiercely committed to awkwardly pretending to know what we were doing. My classroom environment was extremely instructional and focused on teaching the very objective basics of heterosexual physical intercourse; there was no discussion or instruction about the more subjective parts of sexual intimacy like emotions or relationships. And we definitely never addressed the concepts of consent or communication needs before, during, and after engaging in any sexual act.

I've learned my educational experience was not unique. What were your experiences with sex education classes like? I would love to hear about your experiences and what you think would have been helpful for you to have learned. Please comment below or email me at kristin.canan@gmail.com if you are willing to share your experience.

This gap in education has translated into a largely uninformed college student population. At freshmen orientation this fall, I found myself needing to define consent for the students I was presenting to. Many students did not understand that someone legally cannot consent to a sexual act when intoxicated. They did not get that pushing, coercing, or threatening someone until they give in or maybe even say yes to a sexual act is assault. The students had a difficult time understanding that someone can change their mind at any point during a sexual interaction. We stressed how saying yes to one act does not mean other acts are automatically okay. And the students had to learn that the presence of silence or the absence of a no does not mean yes. Most disturbingly, many of the students were surprised to learn that a sexual act engaged in without consent is sexual assault. There was a vast misunderstanding of sexual assault and consent among the college students sitting in front of me, which was incredibly unnerving.

To curb some of the lack of knowledge around consent and healthy relationships, I have decided to plan an event to educate our community about healthy sexuality and the importance of communication that many of us never received throughout our childhood or teenage years. On Wednesday, February 12th at 7pm, Tips From a Sex Therapist: How to Get the Most Out of Your Intimate Relationship will be presented by certified sex therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Janelle Washburne, in the Craig Hall Community Room at the Graduate School of Social Work.

http://www.janellewashburne.com/

We will be educating our campus community on the CERTS model of healthy sexuality (Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety) and stressing the need for open communication in sexual interactions. We will also explore the effects power and control have on relationships and will engage in an anonymous Q&A to provide a safe environment to allow audience members to have additional questions answered that were not addressed in the presentation. My hope is that this event will provide the community with a better understanding of the importance of the presence of consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety in sexual interactions. This event will be a part of DU's Love, Sex, and Health Week and will be open to the entire community. Check out the flyer below for more information on other events occurring during Love, Sex, and Health Week.

Marketing credit to DU's Health and Counseling Center

Resetting the structure of our current education system so that it includes and emphasizes important information about healthy relationships, interpersonal communication, and mutual respect has the potential to drastically decrease the rate of violence in our communities. Our children are our future and they will play a large role in determining social expectations and responsibilities. We need to start teaching our children about the importance of respect for self and others, and more importantly, we have to start being more cognizant of the messages we are sending to our youth about how they deserve to be treated. 

Best wishes and much love to all of you in the work your are doing in your own communities! Please don't hesitate to reach out with any questions or suggestions. 

In solidarity,

Kristin 

Sexual Assault Doesn't Apply To Me

*Trigger warning--this post may evoke emotional reactions. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself while reading, and see the bottom of the post for support resources.*

A prevalent issue at DU, just like many campuses around the United States and much like our society in general, is the belief that the issues of sexual assault and domestic violence do not apply to or affect a majority of people. I have learned over several years of working in this field and many years of loving people who are directly and indirectly affected by domestic violence and sexual assault, that sexual assault and domestic violence are silenced, denied, and tolerated epidemics. These negative responses and minimization of painful experiences fuel feelings of secrecy, shame, and isolation around these extremely prevalent problems. Countless victims of violence feel like they are the only ones who have ever experienced sexual assault or domestic violence. This belief increases feelings of isolation, self blame, and low self worth. Thoughts like, "This is my fault. I did something to allow this to happen. There must be something wrong with me. This doesn't happen to other people. No one understands" run rampant in our heads. If we can make ourselves believe what happened is/was our fault or that we had some level of responsibility in it, then we can feel like we have some level of control over our safety again. 

Society reinforces this with its victim-blaming statements and questions: What were you wearing? How much did you have to drink? Why were you alone with him/her? You didn't fight back? You were flirting with him/her, what did you expect? You shouldn't have been there. Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you go home with him/her? Why didn't you just leave? All of these questions fuel shame which further propels secrecy and, therefore, reinforces the lack of conversation and acknowledgement of the presence of interpersonal violence in our society, repeatedly perpetuating the problem of interpersonal violence. And let's be real, none of those things talked about in the questions and statements above cause interpersonal violence; the only difference is who you are in the presence of. I could walk down the street naked and completely intoxicated, flirting with every person I pass, and the only way I will be assaulted is if I am in the presence of a rapist. 

That's it; that's the difference. 

A majority of people would not assault me. And even if I was naked, intoxicated, and flirting, I still am not asking to be raped. Flirting, alcohol, and clothing choice do not indicate my desire to have sex. I will let you know if I am interested.  

For those of you out there who may feel like you are the only ones who have been victimized or who are struggling, I promise you are not alone. I know that doesn't take away what happened to you, and I know each of our experiences are different, but sometimes knowing that other people understand can make us feel a little less isolated, secretive, and shameful. There is nothing wrong with you, and there isn't anything that could make you deserve what happened to you. People want to support you, and you deserve to have that support. You shouldn't have to hold onto this secret; it's a very heavy weight to carry alone. Please see the bottom of this post for resources that can provide you with the support you deserve, lift some of that weight off of your shoulders, and help you navigate through some of these confusing feelings and thoughts. 

The unfortunate truth is sexual assault and domestic violence affect many people. Statistically, at least 1 in 4 of our undergraduate women will be sexually assaulted through rape or attempted rape before they graduate with their undergraduate degree; 1 in 3 of our women are projected to be victimized by relationship violence over their lifetimes; 1 in 6 of our men will have been sexually assaulted by the time they begin their college careers. 

This issue is an epidemic; there is no way around that, but our society has been trained to not talk about or acknowledge the problem. Even when the issue is talked about, the discussion is mostly focused on victims (usually through victim blaming responses and victim-focused support resources). There seems to be a belief that sexual assault and domestic violence is a "woman's problem" and therefore doesn't apply to, involve, or affect men. 

Just as one example, while I was staffing an informational table for the Center for Advocacy, Prevention, and Empowerment (which is DU's campus support resource and prevention/education office for all interpersonal violence) at freshmen orientation this fall, there were at least 15 parents (male and female) over two hours who made a comment to me along the lines of, "I have a son, so this (meaning sexual assault, relationship violence, stalking, and/or harassment) doesn't apply to our family." But I struggle with this rationale as men are often present when interpersonal violence occurs (as perpetrators and bystanders and sometimes as victims). And most (if not all) men will, at some point in their lives, love or care about someone who is victimized by sexual assault or relationship violence. Most men will also have an opportunity to intervene at some point in the prevention of the perpetration of a violent incident. And all men in the U.S. live in a society where violence is present. No matter how we look at it, all of us are affected by interpersonal violence, and most of us will have a personal connection to it at some point throughout our lives. 

Interpersonal violence prevention should not only be focused on the victim (who, yes, statistically is more likely to be a woman), as we need a societal response to help intervene before someone is subjected to being victimized. How is it helpful to focus on the person who did not choose to be victimized and seemingly had very little to no control over what happened? Victims do not choose to be assaulted, so focusing on what victims could do differently to prevent this from happening does not make sense. Victims and survivors aren't the issue.  

If the issues are the violence and the associated secrecy, how can we focus on putting a stop to the violence? What changes need to be made in our society? What would happen if we continued supporting our victims and survivors but switched our prevention efforts from what women can do to prevent being raped to what we all can do to intervene as a bystander, change violence-tolerating culture, demolish the shame, secrecy, isolation, and stigma survivors face, and hold perpetrators accountable? What if the "uncool thing to do" was being the person who was dragging the intoxicated individual up the stairs or taking her/him home with you with the intention of having sex with that person (instead of the "uncool thing to do" being the bystander saying something to the person that is taking advantage of an intoxicated individual because we should supposedly "mind our own business")? This is a societal issue and it is up to us to acknowledge the problem and change the focus of our prevention efforts.

So to apply this to my community of DU and to start to break the silence, I will be launching a campaign to humanize and personalize these issues, showing our campus community that even if you are not victimized yourself, there is an extremely high likelihood that you know someone who has been directly affected by violence. Over the next five months, I will be implementing an "I Love Someone Who..." campaign. We will be encouraging students, faculty, staff, and administrators to break the silence by talking about the issues of interpersonal violence through displaying pins and/or stickers saying "I love someone who has been sexually assaulted" and "I love someone who has experienced an abusive relationship." In addition to breaking the silence, this will make a powerful statement about the prevalence of sexual assault and relationship violence and will show our support to survivors in our community and in our personal lives, hopefully fostering less feelings of isolation, shame, and secrecy. 

This is the beginning of many conversations to come and hopefully much community culture change. 

I'll keep you updated! Best wishes to you in your work in your own communities, and take gentle care.

In solidarity,
Kristin 


Support Resources:

SAFE Helpline (24 hour support for sexual assault survivors): 877-995-5247
The National Domestic Violence Helpline (24 hour support for those affected by domestic violence): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
*Local resources are available by state. Check out sexual assault and domestic violence state coalitions for lists of agencies in your state that provide support for survivors, friends, and family members of those affected by interpersonal violence.*